I sit here wallowing how pitiful I am when in fact...

Now I get where I'm coming from. What actually there is to talk about and what there isn't to care about.

For one, whatever I talk doesn't have a flow which easily gets misunderstood from where I'm coming from because I wasn't even making sense to myself anymore. But I do now. I understood perfectly what my friends and brother meant back then.

For one, I was a broken soul when I lost the only person who's keeping me sane in this world. She was one brave and strong soul whom stood up to what she believed and protected me away from being squashed under all these heavy over-protectiveness. And when she left me, there wasn't anyone near enough to replace that place except a friend who was with me through the loneliness. When my other close friend said something mean about her, I let my stubbornness get the better of me and instead discovered that this close friend might have been potential jealous of this friend of mine.

Now I'm bare to the inner workings of my family; my mother let work take over her and it leads her into exhaustion. Working from morning till night, taking over undone chores. Goodness grace! She sounds like she's enjoying being tortured but she complaining about it. I don't know what's the logic here but I tried telling her frankly and she doesn't see the problem in all of it. When my friends say I always asked questions and insist on an answer that cannot be found, I think I know where I got it from. This afternoon I brought in the clothes right before it rained and I told her that. Yet she insist on why the clothes are wet. We don't need Einstein to prove any equation to that since it rained in the afternoon!

And my brother. Look, he's a wonderful soul, helped me cope up with my sadness, saw right through my soul and dug out my honest frank personality; told me that friends who actually took my thoughts pettifully for her own pride are just wannabe asses who I better be off not being close to. Or better yet, RAISED my confidence level in myself and tried to lower my pride in his terms; couldn't do the same to himself and even so more does more talking than executing. Mr.Loudmouth you can say.

He likes complain about the people in his office for gossiping to which I responded, Office Gossip is PERFECTLY NORMAL and my friends all DOES IT [to which I IGNORE and they just push me out of their lives]. If people lure him in, he'll just need to give a small light response and NOT BE BOTHERED cause they're JUST COLLEAGUES. When I did pinpoint his weakness, he goes on all stubborn on me and treated me like a kid. Well, not that I'm complaining but if he's going to repeat on the same mistakes without doing something about it, why bother complaining at all? Finally one night after one tough push, he finally admits how he didn't like when people press matters on him. I don't see any logic there but don't he think it's time to become a man?

And my close friend to whom I've been having so much issues about in the past two years. Sure she's a wonderful friend to have. Happy, smart, fun-loving as well as considerate and helpful. But her attitude's another thing and as much as I don't want it to happen, it's getting in the way of our relationship. She has this "superior" complex where in every decent conversation I tried to bring up, she needs to be the one with the MOST KNOWLEDGABLE one. And if the conversation doesn't go in that direction, she'll just drop the same old, "I don't know about that" and just cuts off the whole PURPOSE of the talk. I know she LOVES to gossip; God, I'll be stupid if I think she won't gossip about her own close friends. But there are times she could have SAID it straight in my face. Cowardly enough, if she's my friend, I think it's wise to tell my wrongs even if I'm a stubborn woman during the right time.

But no, it always ends up about her being the best of the best out there and whatever I talk about, she seemingly has her possy opinion to judge it as matured way while branding it as the perfect open-mindedness thinking. And she needs to stuck her nose in everything just so she can breath! Something wrong with the picture here? My friend's being a one stuck up dumb ass and I'm the fool digging my own grave of inferior complexity. Fucked up nation in deed. I allow my stupidity to get the better of my rational thinking instead of looking far ahead. I mean come on! Whatever she's bullcraping doesn't make her a psychic. To hell, even psychics can't see that FAR! And I'm still young! OF COURSE I haven't experience so many things in my life to JUDGE like an adult and neither will she! I just have a different thinking from the rest of the people of my age. It's not like I'm doing anything extreme like drugs, violence, and sex. So I should stop being impatient and stop her little obsessive competitive nature from rubbing on me.

And my dad. He loves his children and wishes to protect them. He's a responsible man and a wonderful example when it comes to getting things done. But he has this tendency to be over controlling and sensitive. Addition to that, he has an obsession to let things get out of hand when he's angry. Live it out a little, your kids are grown up. Wouldn't it be better if we just lead our own lifes independently instead of relying even to your clothing taste up until now? We're not abandoning you for our selfish dreams. It's called, letting go.

My friend always thought she has the most fucked up life without her dad and her over-protective mother. You know, you never really took the step to understand me at all; tend to take things for granted, and you're being jealous over my friend who've never overjudge someone and took my feelings into consideration instead? I was the patient one and living my life without much complain doesn't make me any different from any teenager going through development crisis, not like some idiots craving for fake attention. Where were you when I needed you even until now?

With these kind of people around me it's no wonder I can go crazy sometimes. Everyone just complains and never done anything about it. And I hung onto them in my heart. These rubbishes are just things I should take it easy and live life to it's best ability. It's the present that matters to target my future plans.