Her words enhance the core of my strength...

I realized why I was so shattered and depressed ever since I was 17. It might seem like I'm a childish spoil brat that even I myself hate that fact, but obviously when I come down right to the bottom of my heart, it's a part of me that completes me.

Ever since she last annouced she was going to stop living with us anymore, all I could remember was breaking down the next day after putting up a fuss on my feelings. No longer was my pillar by my side to hear me out for all the times I needed her.

I went on trying to forget all the sadness I've bottled up. But it took a turn for the worst when she left us on 18th April 2008, roughly one month before my entrance into Form 6. I went on with life feeling nothing could complete me anymore. There was no one I could be fully attached to and I wanted to show her I can stand on my own. But most of the times it failed on me.

Many things happened in school and I would tell her my tales and experiences. She would be there to give me a guidance and give me strength to brace myself to face the world. Somewhat this made me feel like a pussy, but I was really strong because I had someone who believed in me to believe in myself. When I lost all of that, I'm just a lifeless doll; allowing people to take advantage of me. Crude, stupid, selfish and ignorant I grew up to be. Particularly my friends who think they're as hell matured. She thought she could change me. But the very change itself is something I refuse to submit stubbornly.

She came last week to visit me and as usual her cooking were filled with so much effort and love. That's what I always loved about her; her dedication and honesty. That itself can allow anyone to overlook her character. When I told her many things that I've tried to change about myself to suit the growing world, she could just laugh and sighed how crazy I was to think of such trivial things. They didn't sound as harsh as it literally meant, it was something full of honesty that really opened up my heart to the whole world. There was no doubt in what she said.

She was everything I can talk to and about and all that I could tell. Although she was mysterious yet she wouldn't worry me about the things that's going on in her life. Her faith to God was her strength as she is to me. She's a strong willed woman. Both women in my life were strong. And always has been. I love her and I still do. The only example I looked up to in my life.

I want to put this behind me. Not to forget, not to ignore but to accept and let go that she has walked out of my life two years ago because God has faith in me to pull this through and learn things on my own. She has gone, she's no longer here for you all the time. But she's just a ring away and maybe some bills to go by with it if you need to hear her voice. =)